Now my friend, back there, he asked you if you wanted a drink.
How about that little old drink, honey?
Please, don't!
Come on, we just want a little fun!
You!
- We got us a wildcat! - Have we ever!
Wait a minute, I've had enough!
Like hell you have!
Don't kill me!
Killing's too good for you!
You all right, Miss Lily?
Of course she ain't!
I'll take her back in the panel truck.
The night's young, so am I and full of more fight than any hombre west of the Pecos.
Come on, let's go back and have some more fun.
She'll be all right!
No, Running Water and I are going back.
Go kick up a storm.
I ain't going back.
Here.
Sorry, it ain't too hot.
Are you okay?
I'm still shaking.
Everybody gets scared once in a while.
Have you been married?
Sure.
Long time ago.
Did you love her?
With all my heart.
Sometimes that just isn't enough.
What happened?
I caught her in bed with my best friend.
What did you do to him?
I shot her.
What? What about him?
He was my best friend.
My God!
Don't worry, I didn't kill her. She was all right.
But I spent seven years in Folsom...
...for attempted murder.
I ain't complaining.
I met a lot of nice people there like...
...Doc Lynch, Lefty LeBow, and Big Eagle...
...who was doing five to ten for armed robbery.
My God! Convicts!
What did Doc and Lefty do?
Doc was in for practicing medicine without a license.
Lefty was a former bank teller whose wife had expensive habits.
He said he was going to give the money back. I believe him.
None of you look like convicts.
We did our time.
Are you for real?
I'm who I want to be.
I've never been this close to a convict before.
Sorry. I didn't mean to say that.
I paid my price.
Don't.
That's all right.
You'll know when the time comes.
The Sheriff called the front gate and told me he's got Leonard in his jail!
Sheriff, you've got one of my wranglers housed up in your calaboose here.
- What was his name? - Leonard James.
You two waiting to see me?
They're with me, Sheriff. I run the Bronco Billy Wild West Show.
In fact, we're playing over at the fairgrounds tonight.
Let's see.
"James, Leonard. Age 28.
"Drunk and disorderly in a public place.
"Resisting arrest..."
We kicked up our heels a bit last night.
I guess Leonard kicked his up too high.
We ran a routine check on your boy.
Found that he's wanted for desertion from the United States Army.
You must have the wrong man, Sheriff.
Prints don't lie.
Your boy's a coward.
He didn't want to fight in Vietnam.
- Can we see him? - Yeah.
Just you.
You two can wait outside.
Why did you become a deserter? I got a show to run!
Where am I gonna find a wrangler who can rope like you by showtime?
I'm sorry, Boss.
I was just a little kid then.
You're really in trouble this time.
Do they still shoot deserters?
It would teach you a lesson if they did.
A missing deserter with my show!
What about the little pardners that look up to you?
What will they think when they find out?
Couldn't you just tell them that I died with my boots on?
What happened to your eye?
A couple of deputies, when they found out that I was a deserter...
...they took me in the back room.
Why didn't you tell me about it?
I was on the run nine years ago.
You took me in, you gave me a home...
I couldn't just let you stand out in the rain.
I didn't want you to get involved!
Looks like it's the end of the trail now.
You take care.
You can't leave him here.
He's a deserter! He deserves what he gets!
I don't believe Billy will just let him rot in jail.
What can he do?
The Army's too powerful even for Bronco Billy.
No, it's not like him just to leave a friend in jail like that.
Desertion is a tough charge to beat.
What if you have an attorney to defend Leonard?
Attorney?
Miss Lily, an attorney costs money. That's one luxury we ain't never had!
- Billy, where are you going? - Get ready for the show!
I appreciate you coming out here and meeting me like this, Sheriff.
It was a rather interesting phone call.
I figure if my man's sent up for desertion...
...there ain't no profit in that for any of us.
What kind of profit are we talking about?
$500.
Just how fast are you with that pea-shooter?
Fast enough.
I'm pretty fast myself.
You know, $500 isn't very much money for me to take such a big risk.
All right.
This is all I have.
This comes to $1,100. That's all I've got in the world.
Is that so?
You think you're faster than I am?
I wouldn't want to find that out, Sheriff.
Why, aren't you Bronco Billy, the fastest in the West?
The roughest, toughest hombre this side of Dodge City?
I'm just making a living like everyone else.
I could outdraw you any day in the week!
Couldn't I?
I reckon.
Reckon?
Let me hear you say it.
Or do you want to find out just how fast I really am?
You want a go at it?
You want to get with it, boy?
Or are you a coward like that deserter friend of yours?
- You're faster than I am. - What did you say?
I said, you're faster than I am.
All right!
Just take out that gun nice and easy and throw it right there on the ground.
Bronco Billy!
You're nothing but a yellow-bellied egg sucker.
Peanuts!
Coca Cola!
Here you go.
Two? All right.
- Have you seen the boss? - Nope. He hasn't shown up yet.
Ten minutes till showtime.
Shoot! It's the first full house since Dodge City.
Step right in, folks.
- Any sign of Billy? - He'll show up.
What if he doesn't?
You'll do the longest Rattlesnake Dance of your life.
He'll show up.
I've sold everything, except the empty box.
Any sign of Bronco Billy?
Never known Bronco Billy to miss a show.
He's not on the midway.
No?
Well, in that case, I suggest we put on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you this evening...
...to the greatest, the most authentic...
...Wild West Show in America!
I'd better change my costume.
- She sure brought us bad luck. - Don't talk that way!
- It's true! You know it! - It ain't!
...will perform his legendary Rattlesnake Dance...
...that no white man has ever seen. That's exactly what I mean!
Chief Big Eagle!
Stand aside, woman. We've got a show to do.
Leonard, you're hurt!
Those yahoos couldn't hurt Lasso Leonard James!
Quit chewing the cud and get going.
Fire! Fire!
Bronco Billy will be here!
The show's going on!
Calm down. Slow down. Take it easy.
Don't panic, folks.
The show's gonna go on!
How did he get you out of jail?
He can do anything.
The tent's on fire!
Billy, the tent's on fire!
Take it easy! Take it easy, little buckaroos!
Take it easy!
- Walk those little pardners out of here. - Slow down, there's time.
Give me a hand with this poster.
Pull!
I got it!
The other side.
Thank the Lord nobody got hurt.
It's Miss Lily's fault. She brought us bad luck.
The sooner the boss gets rid of her, the sooner our luck will change.
Miss Lily did not start that fire!
She's bad luck, I tell you.
Honey, Lefty's right. She's bad luck.
Hi, King. Get you some coffee?
Thank you, Running Water.
Well, Lady Luck didn't shine on you this time.
You can say that again.
Good morning, King.
What's your plans?
I don't know.
The sun's always shining over the next valley.
Maybe that's where we'll find our pot of gold.
We took up a little collection along the midway and it ain't a lot, but...
...it'll help you start and help you get back on your feet.
That's nice.
Thanks.
Appreciate it if you'd...
...thank the rest of them for us, too. We're pulling out this morning.
Sure thing.
Let's get out of here.
It's all my fault, the tent burnt down!
If I hadn't got thrown in the calaboose, Billy would have been there.
He could've stopped it.
Boy, are you blind?
Ever since she's been with us our luck's gone rotten!
You're mean.
You're just a mean old ornery old cuss and you don't like nobody!
Don't you just love these wide open spaces where the deer and the antelope roam?
Boss, the boys wanted me to talk to you.
Look, Doc, you can tell the boys that nobody's gonna get laid off.
We'll pull in our belts and pull up our boots.
We'll see this through together. We've been through worse than this.
I'm sure they'd be glad to hear that. I know I am.
But...
You got a chicken bone in your throat?
It's the boys. They want you to get rid of Miss Lily.
They think she's bad luck.
Who do they think they are telling me what to do?
It's my show! I do the hiring and firing around here!
Anybody that don't like it, they can pick up their pay and get out!
You know, things ain't so good since she joined us.
I know, but that poor little gal's been through hell.
I didn't like her too well myself at the beginning, but...
...she's coming around to my way of thinking now.
What are we gonna do? We can't put on no show without a big tent.
I know that.
What shall I tell the boys?
Tell them we're gonna rob a train.
Okay.
"Rob a train"?
But how are we gonna stop a train?
Stopping the train is easy.
It's carting off all that money that's gonna be the hard part.
No outfit's tried robbing a train in over 90 years.
They were smart, that's why. You people are crazy!
You could all go to jail for the rest of your lives for robbing a train!
Appreciate your concern.
You may be right about us being crazy...
...but we're at the end of our rope.
This is not a game! People could get hurt!
Nobody will get hurt.
You don't even know if it's the right train!
If you want out, just say so.
You're all gonna get caught!
I'd say Miss Lily's out.
You're living in a dream world.
There are no more cowboys and Indians! That's in the past!
I was raised in a one-room tenement in New Jersey.
As a kid, I never even saw a cowboy, much less the wide open spaces...
...except when I could scrounge up a quarter for a picture show.
I was a shoe salesman until I was 31 years old.
Deep down in my heart I always wanted to be a cowboy.
One day I laid down my shoehorn...
...and swore I'd never live in the city again.
You only live once.
You got to give it your best shot.
Don't do it, Billy. I'll give you the money.
That'd be a neat trick, considering I haven't
paid you since you started working for me.
I have money. Lots of it!
If you say you do, I believe you.
But I'm head ramrod here and I've already made my decision.
You all know what you have to do.
Get ready.
Wait for me!
Cowboys and Indians.
Of course, dear.
Billy, where are we?
I've got an idea that might get us back in business.
What is this place?
It's a home for the criminally insane.
They should love your act.
Dr. Canterbury, you look spright.
- This is Miss Lily here. - Hello.
- You remember Doc. - My friend and colleague.
Get back to work, you nut!
I'm not nuts!
I'd like to see Dr. Canterbury.
How would you like to take a trip to the yellow room?
Could I talk with you for a moment? I need a favor, badly.
Sure. You know I'm a good listener.
I'll be right back.
My diagnosis is that you have the worst ailment known to man: No money.
How can I help?
How can my staff and my patients best serve you and your people?
I know you have a giant sewing room...
...and your patients sew American flags for the military.
If it's a flag you want, you've got one.
No, it's a tent that I need.
Without it, I'm afraid, it's the end of Bronco Billy Wild West Show.
You and your friends have come here year in year out, always a free show.
I don't know why, but you do come.
Now, after all you've done for us...
...it would be a pleasure for us to do this for you.
But I have a price.
You name it.
I want you to teach me how to twirl a six-shooter.
You got that, old pard.
All right.
You and your gang can hole up in the guest wing. Come in.
And you can take your meals with the staff, or the patients...
...whichever you feel most comfortable with.
This place gives me the creepers every time we come here.
Some of these people in here are just as sane as you or I.
- What're you talking about? - That ain't saying much.
They've just had a tough break, that's all.
Yeah, they were born sane in a crazy world.
Get your gear, buckaroos. We're back in business.
How long we got to stay here?
As long as it takes to get the tent made.
How long will that take?
If you have something better to do, do it.
Just asking, Boss.
This is the Rose Room.
It has two single beds and a black-and-white TV.
Lefty, Leonard.
Why is it called the Rose Room?
Because it's always been called the Rose Room.
At least the rates are reasonable.
This is the Carnation Room. It has a single bed and a radio.
I have returned home.
And this is one of our most requested rooms...
...by guests who frequently come to Mineral Wells.
By the way, you are the first two Indians ever allowed to stay in the guest wing.
- What's the name of this room? - It doesn't have one.
We call this our Honeymoon Room.
You can't be serious?
Dr. Canterbury ordered me to put you and your wife in this room.
- Wife? - Come, my dear.
I forgot to tell them about the view.
Everything's coming up roses.
Come on over here and give Bronco Billy a big kiss.
Don't you find anything about your life bizarre?
The only thing strange I find is that you and I haven't made love yet.
Let go of me.
I'm crazy about you. Kiss me.
You're as nutty as the fruitcakes in this place.
You love me, don't you?
I find your timing less than appropriate.
Is it that time of the month?
No, it is not that time of the month!
Kiss me, then.
Leave me alone!
That's all you ever think about!
You said I'd know when the time is right.
I don't know it yet!
There must be 13 year-olds who are more woman than you are.
At least I'm not a phony cowboy from New Jersey!
What's it take to melt that heart of stone of yours?
I'd like to see the boss.
He's not here.
When you see him, would you tell him I want to talk to him?
Running Water...
- Do you have a moment? - Sure.
So this is the honeymoon room.
Not much of a honeymoon.
Why does that man make me so angry every time we're together?
The boss is a funny guy.
He's like all men, a big kid in a man's body.
But why do I hate him so?
The Apaches have a word for that. It's called love.
That's what the Apaches call what I have?
When I first met Big Eagle...
...I hated his guts.
He was so dedicated to preserving the heritage of his ancestors...
...I felt rejected.
Late at night, when everyone else is asleep he's up working on his book.
Big Eagle is a writer?
He hasn't had anything published, but he's written three books.
My God!
Big Eagle is a writer, Leonard, a Vietnam War deserter...
...Lefty, a bank teller, Doc, a doc...
...and Billy, a shoe salesman from New Jersey.
- He told you that? - Yes!
You're the first assistant he's ever told.
But we're so different!
I hate to tell you what I come from, Antoinette...
...but I sure am not an Indian by blood.
I am Big Eagle's squaw and that makes me an Indian at heart.
Don't you understand what Bronco Billy and the Wild West Show are all about?
You can be anything you want.
All you have to do is go out and become it.
I didn't mean to bring bad luck to the show.
You didn't.
What am I going to do?
I can't tell you that.
But I do know you're running away from yourself...
...and until you know who you want to be...
...you're never gonna get very far.
I want you to take me in your arms and make love to me.
I would, but unless you love me, it wouldn't be any good.
I love you, Bronco Billy.
Take it easy.
We got the rest of the night and the rest of our lives to enjoy each other.
"We are barroom buddies and that's the best kind
"Nobody fools with a buddy of mine
"Laugh when you're happy
"Cry when you're blue"
In two days, you shall have your big tent.
Do you think it would be all right if I said a few words to your patients here?
Yeah, certainly.
Folks!
I'd like to...
I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart...
...for the great work you're doing for me and my outfit.
Three cheers for Bronco Billy!
Good morning, Lefty.
What's so good about it?
Smell that fresh air. Look at the blue sky above.
Have you been drinking some of Doc's Snake Bite?
I know you think I've brought bad luck to the show.
I'll shoot straight with you. You have.
Maybe I have brought bad luck and I know I've been very hard to get along with...
...but I'd like to change. I want to be part of the outfit.
Would you give me a second chance, please?
One rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel.
I know, but I've been like a scared little calf in a herd.
A man has to prove himself on the range. That holds for a woman.
Could we have a cup of coffee, Mr. LeBow?
If you got a calling for it.
Practice one hour in the morning, one hour in the evening...
...and you'll be like Bronco Billy.
I will.
Howdy, pard.
Please come in, Mr. Atherton.
Arlington!
Sit down, please.
I like to hold these informal sessions with all the new patients...
...so that I can get to know their problems.
As you know, I have been sent here for life...
...for murdering my wife, but I was framed.
My wife is the woman in Bronco Billy's Wild West Show!
I know! I've seen her!
You've got to believe me!
Why don't you start at the beginning? Tell me all about it.
Her stepmother's lawyer offered me $500,000...
...if I would confess to the murder.
How was I last night, Bronco Billy?
You weren't performing, Miss Lily.
That's not what I meant.
You did just great.
I did?
Yeah. You know why?
- Because you're a cowboy? - No.
I could've been a sailor or a lumberjack or the President.
We felt that good because we love each other.
The Apaches have a word for it.
- They do? - Yep!
My God, I'm even beginning to talk like you.
You mean, you're becoming a cowgirl?
I'm a rooting tooting cowgirl from the Rio Grande.
You know, I've been thinking...
...with just a little time, I could teach you to draw and twirl a gun. Shoot.
"Takes hours of practice to learn that."
"No problem."
Whatever you say, Bronco Billy.
Excuse me, Billy.
Could I have a moment of your time? Also the young lady's?
Shoot, Doc.
It's me, John Arlington. Tell them you're alive!
Back off, stranger.
Try to control yourself, Mr. Arlington.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Mr. Arlington believes you to be his wife.
Whenever a patient has an hallucination, I try to confront them with the facts of life.
What on earth are you doing here?
I was framed!
You mean, he really is your husband?
What'd you run off and leave her for?
If you knew what she was like, you'd run off, too!
- You really are Antoinette Lily? - Who else would she be?
Would somebody tell me what's going on here?
I'll have to call the authorities.
I'm so glad you're alive.
Because I'm going to sue you and your stepmother...
...and that crooked lawyer of yours for all you've got!
Do you mind telling me what's going on here?
She's my wife!
And I was just beginning to like her.
They look like a herd of buffalo!
Are you patients here at Mineral Wells?
Have the doctors treated you well?
Can you tell me anything about John Arlington?
Didn't you know the entire country thought you had been murdered?
I never read newspapers.
This man, your husband, has been convicted of murdering you...
...and now you show up alive! I don't know what to think!
I find it a small misunderstanding, Lieutenant.
Maybe you do and maybe I do...
...but I doubt the FBI will find it a misunderstanding.
The FBI?
They'll be here tonight...
...to transport you, Mr. McCoy and his people back to New York City...
...for an inquiry.
What do I have to go to New York for?
For harboring a fugitive.
How can I be a fugitive if I were dead?
I don't know what you are, but the FBI will know.
I hope they throw the book at you.
Shut up, you little termite!
Newspaper reporters are crawling all over the place.
Tell them...
...an official statement will be forthcoming.
All right.
I have nothing more to say.
- Get ready to pull out of here tonight. - Suits me fine!
What did they ask?
I ain't going back to New York City!
What about Antoinette?
She's bad luck!
What was I supposed to think?
You missing, he was alive...
I knew he was only after your money.
Good evening, ladies.
I am happy to report that everything has been taken care of.
Wonderful!
Isn't that wonderful, darling?
She hasn't spoken a word since her return.
She's been through a terrible ordeal.
My poor little baby.
John Arlington has been compensated for his discomfort.
If Antoinette would like the marriage annulled, I'd be happy to arrange it.
What about the inheritance money?
I'm afraid, my dear, you are at the mercy of your loving stepdaughter.
Antoinette, my poor, poor baby.
What do you want?
Darling...
...now that you're home, I want us so much to become friends.
We've never been friends and we never will be.
But don't worry, I won't throw you out on the streets where you belong.
So long, Bronco Billy.
How soon do you think before we can show our faces?
I would say that last round put us very close to the poorhouse.
We show our faces...
...those feds are gonna be on us like flies.
Nothing in the paper about us.
That's just an old FBI trick, Princess, trying to make us think the coast is clear.
You figuring on us shooting it out with the FBI?
Bronco Billy ain't afraid of no tin-horn sheriff!
What about if we hide out in the mountains?
- Have you ever hidden in the mountains? - Nope.
It snows in the mountains. Get the picture?
Yep.
Maybe we could live happily ever after...
...in this bar.
That ain't too funny, Doc.
What do you say we show the folks in this town...
...the first class Wild West Show?
Bronco Billy ain't afraid of nothing.
I ain't never seen the boss drink so much.
He ain't never been in love with a woman like Miss Lily before.
Keep the change, buddy.
You owe me another buck here.
I'll catch up to you later.
A collect call for Miss Antoinette Lily from Running Water.
Will you accept the charges?
Yes!
Go ahead.
Antoinette?
Running Water, where are you?
"Boise", "Idaho."
How's Bronco Billy?
He needs you, badly.
We'll cut the show a little bit tonight. You can be my assistant.
It's a shame Miss Lily's not here.
Miss Lily? I thought you didn't like her?
I never said I didn't like her, I just said she brought us bad luck.
Well, she did.
No, she didn't.
She was the best assistant we ever had. She could take a plate and throw it...
Haven't you got something better to do, besides hang around like a coyote in heat?
Yeah. Sure, Boss.
- So that's how they built the tent. - That's the best they know how.
Something must be bringing us luck. We're almost sold out for tonight.
The fastest draw...
...the toughest hombre...
...who ever rode the range...
...Bronco Billy McCoy and his horse, Buster!
Thank you, folks.
Especially...
...my little pardners out there.
Before we start, I'd like to introduce you to my assistant for the evening...
...Mr. Two Gun Lefty LeBow!
Miss Antoinette Lily.
Get over here!
A little late, ain't you?
I was waiting for you to come and get me.
I got you. I'm never letting you go.
Come on.
She's back!
Lasso Leonard James!
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Lasso Leonard James!
So we come to the end of our show, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for being so kind to us.
I've got a special message, for you little pardners out there.
Finish your oatmeal at breakfast.
Do as your mom and pa tell you...
...because they know best.
Don't ever tell a lie and say your prayers at night before you go to bed.
And so, as our friends...
...south of the border say:
"Adiós", "amigos."